


with nothing to lose, will you be my honey

by gravinnen



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-14
Updated: 2015-08-14
Packaged: 2018-04-14 17:03:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4572567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gravinnen/pseuds/gravinnen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gansey offers to help Ronan out with his feelings for Adam and he is being very subtle about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	with nothing to lose, will you be my honey

Ronan finds Gansey in the kitchen at one in the morning with a phone clutched in his hands and his pajama-clad legs stretched out in front of him. His toes almost touch the wall and he’s staring sadly into the distance, the corners of his mouth tilted downwards.  
  
“Well, well, _well_.” Ronan says. “What do we have here?”  
  
“Did you know there’s a crack in the wall that looks exactly like Noah?”  
  
Ronan leans against the door, crosses his arms over his chest and follows Gansey’s gaze towards a faint smudge on the wall that looks nothing like Noah.  
  
“Right.” Ronan says. “Anyway.”  
  
“It’s true. If you look very carefully, just from this side, with your eyes almost closed and your  — never mind.” Gansey tilts his head back to look up at Ronan and smiles a sweet and tired smile. “What’s keeping you up?”  
  
“What’s keeping _you_ up?”  
  
“I asked first.”  
  
“I couldn’t stop thinking about nachos.” Ronan pushes Gansey slightly out of the way with his knee so there’s room to sit next to him. He feels nice and familiar. “Now you.”  
  
“I was just waiting for Blue to call.”  
  
“You don’t say.”  
  
“We speak almost every night but she’s not picking up.”  
  
“That’s really interesting.”  
  
“I don’t think she’s going to call me back tonight.” Gansey stares at his phone as if he can make it ring with sheer power of will. He has a stern expression on his face. “My life is terribly disappointing and sad and right now, it’s very hard to see if there is any point to it.”  
  
“It’s a good thing you’re not being dramatic about this.”  
  
“It’s a good thing you’re not being rude about this.”  
  
“Pow.” Ronan says as he point his finger gun at Gansey’s chest. “So, you like her?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Don’t fucking lie to me.” Ronan says. Sneers, almost. He’s only a little disappointed.  
  
“Yes.” Gansey sighs. “I’ve written a poem about her. I know, I know.”  
  
It’s the first time Gansey’s openly admitted anything about his feelings for Blue and it makes Ronan feel slightly uncomfortable. He’d guessed of course, he’d _known_ but that’s different from your friend explicitly telling you about it at one in the morning while sitting on the kitchen floor. He’s glad that Gansey trusts him enough to open up to him but he’s not used to talking about feelings and he’s not sure if he’s really interested in it. He supposes there are some things he’d like to talk about.  
  
“Is it a good poem?”  
  
“It’s not bad.” A pause. “It’s not terrible.”  
  
“How many times did you rhyme Blue with true?”  
  
“Less than five times definitely.” Gansey touches his lip with his thumb. “I worry about Adam though.” He’s quiet for a minute. “Secret for a secret?”  
  
“Hm?”  
  
“I told you a secret, now you have to tell me one.”  
  
“I didn’t know that was how it worked.” Ronan looks at him, bites at the skin of middle finger. “I always worry about Adam.”  
  
“That’s not really a secret.”  
  
“Yeah, but I _worry_ about him.” Ronan says. He hopes Gansey will understand without him having to spell it out. His mouth feels dry.  
  
“Now that’s a secret.” Gansey’s eyes are closed.  
  
“Not anymore.”  
  
“I guess that’s true. I’m not entirely surprised. What are your thoughts?”  
  
“I mean, he was definitely in love with Blue, I think. But lately  — I don’t know— it doesn’t seem as impossible as I thought it was.”  
  
“I feel like swearing.” Gansey let’s his head drop on Ronan’s shoulder and the weight is like an anchor holding him down. “Do you want me to ask him about it? I’m meeting him tomorrow.”  
  
“Maybe. Maybe if it just comes up naturally.”  
  
This makes Gansey laugh. Ronan’s not entirely sure why. He feels suddenly very tired, but also very relieved that his secret is out there. It feels less heavy already, like it’s something that he can bear without pushing his fist through a window. There are goosebumps on his arms.  
  
“I’m going to bed.” Ronan says. He gets up. “Nachos for dinner tomorrow?”  
  
“Oooh, maybe we can invite Adam?” Ronan kicks Gansey lightly in the stomach.  
  
“Don’t fucking do this.”  
  
“Sorry.”  
  
Ronan sleeps until seven in and when he wakes up, he has a compass in his hands.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
_did u ask him yet_  
  
  
_Would you believe this is only the third text you have ever sent me? I cannot believe you are actually messaging me! This is so exciting._  
  
  
_nvr mind_  
  
  
_Today a text, tomorrow seven WhatsApp groups and a private chat!_  
  
  
_Did I say seven WhatsApp groups and a private chat? I meant the world._  
  
  
_I haven’t asked him yet but I am working on it._  
  
  
_Ronan?_  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
In Ronan’s deepest, most secret fantasies it goes like this: they’re in Adam’s room and it’s warm, almost clammy. Adam isn’t wearing a shirt and I’m On Fire by Bruce Springsteen is playing on the radio. Ronan watches him without having to hide it; he can count the freckles on Adam’s shoulders and the almost-white hairs on the back of his neck. They kiss and Ronan presses his fingers to Adam’s spine. He tries to think about this fantasy as less as possible when he’s with other people like he is now.  
  
Gansey is droning on and on and _on_ about Glendower and the only one who’s still paying attention to him is Adam. He looks quite interested actually, sometimes adding something to what Gansey’s saying or laughing and Ronan thinks Adam is so, so sweet. Noah has his arms crossed on the table and is lying on them, face-down. Blue rolls her eyes at Ronan and he grimaces back.  
  
“You need to stop.” Blue says. “You need to stop forever. Ronan, tell me more about those nachos you dreamed up last week.”  
  
Gansey, who’d lifted both of his hands in the air while animatedly gesturing about an old Welsh legend, looks very surprised. “Nachos?”  
  
“Ask Noah. He’s a pro at describing food.” Ronan shrugs, then fake-whispers, “he doesn’t get distracted by mundane things like taste.”  
  
As Noah starts describing the nachos, Ronan thinks about the conversation he’d with Gansey in the kitchen last week. They haven’t really talked about it. He’d send a text but Gansey had reacted so over the top that he’d thrown his phone against a wall and now it’s broken, lying somewhere in his room. He’s fairly sure it can’t be fixed.  
  
Ronan doesn’t think he’s avoiding Gansey but he’s also not very actively trying to connect with him. To be fair, they did have a very busy week at school  — even for Ronan— but if he’s totally honest with himself, it is mostly because he’s pretty scared of the answer.  
  
“That sounds amazing.” Blue licks her lips.  
  
“I can’t believe you find a description of nachos more interesting than the legend of prince Seisyll.”  
  
“I know.” Blue says. “Crazy, isn’t it?”  
  
Adam catches Ronan’s eye and smiles at him. Ronan smiles back and decided to take it as a good sign that Blue and Gansey aren’t being spectacularly subtle with their flirting and Adam’s still smiling.  
  
He bumps his shoulder against Adam’s and says, “I have to say, they were really good.”  
  
“That doesn’t surprise me at all. You’re good at what you do. You should make them for me sometime.”  
  
“Yeah, okay.”  
  
Blue and Gansey are still bickering and he’d find this pretty annoying if Adam wasn’t such a warm and solid presence next to him. He looks very tired and Ronan doesn’t think there’s a lot he’d rather do right now than reach out and brush over the worry line in-between Adam’s eyebrows with his hands.  
  
“You okay?” He asks instead.  
  
“Yeah, yeah. Tired, though. Actually, I wanted to talk to you about —” Adam starts to say but Gansey cuts him off with a loud, “Stop throwing things at me!” and ducks behind Adam. “Ronan, tell them to stop throwing things at me.”  
  
“Stop throwing things at me.”  
  
Gansey sighs, gives him a push. Adam grins but the moment’s gone.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
“I made dinner.” Ronan says as walks into his room in Monmouth where Adam is working on something for school. He puts a box of cornflakes in front of Adam.  
  
“You’re a charmer.” Adam says but he smiles up at Ronan. His accent is very thick tonight and it sends a chill down Ronan’s spine.  
  
“You’re not going to believe this but you’re not the first one to say that.”  
  
“You’re right. I don’t believe that.”  
  
Ronan kicks at Adam’s ankle and sits down on the ground in front of various object he’s brought back from his dream. He has so much stuff now and he’s been trying to decide which ones are worth keeping for himself, which ones he can gift to his friends and which ones need to be thrown out. So far, Gansey’s received a stool that plays Beatles song that match the mood of the person that sits in it and Blue got a sewing kit that yells out directions.  
  
“You want to have this?”  
  
“What is it?” Adam looks at the small thing placed in front of him and fills his hands with it. “Is it a cloud?”  
  
“I think so. It’s just a very small one.”  
  
“What does it do?”  
  
“I don’t think it does anything.” Ronan reaches out to grab the cloud. “Never mind.”  
  
“No, I want it.” Adam turns around so they’re facing each other. He’s wearing a grey college sweater with a green tractor on it. His hair looks soft and Ronan wants to fling himself against a wall. His blood feels very heavy in his veins.  
  
“Hey, remember I wanted to talk to you about something the other day? Do you think Gansey’s acting strange?”  
  
“Define strange.”  
  
Adam shrugs. “He keeps wanting to talk about girls with me.”  
  
“That doesn’t seem like the strangest thing to do for a seventeen-year-old boy.” Ronan answers.  
  
“Yeah, but it’s Gansey. A few nights ago he called me to ask my thoughts on _Grace Kelly_. She’s dead, right?” Adam says. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard him talk about any girl that isn’t called Henrietta.”  
  
“That’s pretty funny, Parrish.” Ronan grimaces.  
  
Adam smiles and sits next to him. He reaches out to pick at a loose thread on Ronan’s jeans and mumbles, “He wants to talk to me about boys too.”  
  
“Hm.” Ronan is surprised he can still get something that resembles sound out of his mouth.  
  
“He asked me if I like them.”  
  
The silence is heavy and Ronan thinks that Adam touching his leg and talking about boys is already hotter than any dream he’s ever had.  
  
“And what did you say?”  
  
Adam leans back on his arms and looks at Ronan. “I said I did.”  
  
“Right.” Ronan can’t help but look back at Adam but it’s like he’s not seeing anything at all. “Are you freaking out?”  
  
“A little.” Adam says and Ronan translates it right back to _a lot_.  
  
“It’s pretty scary.”  
  
“You would know.” Adam says but he doesn’t sound mean. Ronan wonders if Gansey told him his secret.  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
He thinks about where he wants this conversation to go. He thinks about how this is his chance to say something. He thinks about how he’s angry that Gansey told Adam his secret. He thinks how he wants to make Adam feel okay about himself more than he wants to make out with him, although it’s a pretty close call.  
  
“Do you want to talk about it?”  
  
“Not really. I googled it already, did my research. It’s called bisexuality apparently, when you like - when you like both.” Adam smiles a bitter smile. “It probably won’t surprise you that we didn’t really talk about that at home.”  
  
“No. You don’t have to label it if you don’t want to.”  
  
“I like labelling things. I mean, this is what I am right?”  
  
“I guess so.”  
  
Ronan has no idea what to say and so he doesn’t say anything at all. He stares at the dream things in front of him. It’s silent for a long, long time. Adam gets up and packs up his books and his cloud. He looks very confused and all together not that happy.  
  
“Well, I just wanted you to know.”  
  
“Hmm.”  
  
“Later.”  
  
“Yeah, bye.”  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
Ronan feels a lot of things at the same time and that’s strange. Usually he’s either angry or ecstatic, disappointed or happy but now he’s feeling all of those things at once and it’s something he’s not used to. He’s angry at Gansey for spilling his secret, ecstatic because Adam told him his, disappointed because nothing really came of it and happy because something still could.  
  
He storms into the living room, slams the door behind him. “You’re not being very fucking subtle, are you?”  
  
Gansey looks up from the book he was reading. “Oh, _now_ you want to talk about it.”  
  
“You told him.”  
  
“Told him what?”  
  
“About me. That I’m - you know. You told him.”  
  
Gansey closes the book. “I didn’t tell him anything. He already knew.”  
  
Ronan smashes his hand against the wall. “I just sure as fucking hell hope you’re doing this for me and not because you want to get inside Blue’s pants.”  
  
“That was unnecessary.” Gansey looks like he’s been hit and Ronan’s glad. His mind wanders back to the green tractor on Adam’s sweater and to his own surprise, he realizes that he could cry right now. He’s not going to and it’s not hard to hold it back but he could. “But you’re right.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“Well, obviously I want you and Adam to be happy but I won’t deny that there’s a part of me that thinks about how everything would suddenly become so much easier if you two would get together.” Gansey swallows. “I’m sorry. But I didn’t tell him. Apparently you’re not being very fucking subtle either.”  
  
“Yeah, well.”  
  
“What happened in there anyway?”  
  
Ronan looks at Gansey desperately, deflated like a balloon. He’s very confused. “I gave him a cloud.”  
  
“You gave him a - cloud. Ronan, if that’s a metaphor - ” Gansey’s stool is singing Here, There and Everywhere like it’s been from the moment Ronan gave him it.  
  
“No, I mean, I gave him an actual cloud. I took it from a dream.”  
  
“That’s… sweet.”  
  
“Is it?”  
  
“I mean, it’s unique, that’s for sure. It is very you.”  
  
“I don’t want to ruin it.” Ronan says. “I don’t want to ruin us.”  
  
“You won’t. I think we can handle an unrequited crush after everything all of us has been through. Besides, I don’t think it’s unrequited.”  
  
“Don’t joke, Gansey.”  
  
“I’m not.” Gansey looks very serious. “He’s being very secretive about it, though. He never tells me anything.”  
  
“You know what, you just keep out of it and I’ll fix this myself.” Ronan feels suddenly very sure that this is the right way to do it. He’s brave and he’s strong and he’s not afraid. He takes a deep breath.  
  
“You’re sure?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“All right.”  
  
Ronan turns around to go to his room and looks around if he can spot Chainsaw. He needs to think.  
  
“Lynch. _Lynch_. Be careful, okay?”  
  
“Never.”  
  
Behind him, Gansey sighs.   
  
  
  
***  
  
  
They find a river on one of the last sunny days of the year. They’d set out to do some research but ending up here doesn’t seem like the worst thing that could happen. The sun is warm on their backs. Ronan pushes Adam in the water and thinks that definitely counts as flirting.  
  
“You could have at least waited until I’d taken my clothes off.”  
  
Looking at Adam, dripping wet, his jeans clinging to his butt and his thighs, Ronan is inclined to agree with him. Before Adam, he never really thought about sex but now it sometimes feels like he can’t stop thinking about it. At the most inconvenient times, Ronan finds himself wondering what Adam would look like without any clothes on or if Adam ever thinks about sex. About sex with him.  
  
Noah, Blue and Adam run enthusiastically towards the water while Ronan and Gansey hide in the shade of a nearby tree. He swats as Gansey yells “sunscreen check!” for the third time in ten minutes.  
  
“Why don’t you do a sunscreen check on Blue, Gansey?”  
  
Gansey stares at him, scandalized. He’s wearing very tiny, bright red swimming shorts with little sailboats on them. “I could never. She’d hit me.”  
  
“No, she wouldn’t. Not if you asked. And you know it.”  
  
Gansey looks at the sunscreen, then at Blue. He grins. “You know, Lynch, I swear Adam’s looking a little red as well.”  
  
“No.”  
  
“ _Yes_.” Gansey puts a little sunscreen on Ronan’s nose. Ronan let’s him. “I’ll do it if you do it.”  
  
Ronan thinks about that for a while. He’s fairly sure Gansey doesn’t have the guts to go for it. “All right.”  
  
Adam, Blue and Noah stay in the water for quite a long time and by the time they get back, Ronan is seriously regretting making a deal with Gansey. That is, until Gansey asks Blue, “Blue, would you like me to do your back?” and she answers with, “Thanks, Gansey, but Noah just did it.”  
  
That is, until Adam says, “That reminds me, Ronan, would you just do my back?” and gives him a shy smile.  
  
“Okay.” Ronan doesn’t sound nearly as nervous as he is and that impresses him.  
  
Adam sits in-between Ronan’s legs and Ronan thinks he’s dying.  
  
“Let’s go make a sandcastle!” Gansey yells, slightly hysterical, even though there’s no sand in sight.  
  
“Let’s!” Noah says, equally hysterical and performs three forward rolls to a small patch of grass a few meters away from where they’ve put their stuff. Blue seems kind of confused but joins them anyway. Ronan spots her checking out Gansey in his tiny shorts and he’s glad for them.  
  
“I don’t usually burn but I figured, better not take any chances.” Adam mutters.  
  
“Uh.” Ronan can’t seem to take his eyes off of the white skin that appears right above Adam’s shorts. He’s feeling nauseous and not entirely comfortable. A tiny bug crawls over his foot. Ronan puts some sunscreen on his hand, carefully touches Adam’s shoulder and hopes he doesn’t throw up.  
  
Adam’s skin is warm from the sun underneath his hands and Ronan wants to lean forward and kiss his ear. He let’s his fingers run over the knobs of Adam’s spine.  
  
“This is nice.”  
  
Ronan’s not sure if Adam’s talking about being here, next to the water on a beautiful day or Ronan rubbing sunscreen on his back so he just hums like he’s agreeing. Adam leans his head forward and picks at a scab on his ankle. He seems totally at ease. Ronan wants to bottle up this moment and smash it against a wall.  
  
“Done.” He says.  
  
Adam turns around so he can look at Ronan but doesn’t immediately get up from between his legs. They’re silent for a few seconds. Adam puts his hand on Ronan’s knee and for one split second Ronan thinks that this is it, this is the moment - they’re finally, _finally_ going to kiss but then Adam pushes himself up, mutters thanks and joins the rest of the group. He throws some grass on Noah.  
  
Ronan let’s himself fall on the towel and closes his eyes.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
“What is _up_ with you?” Gansey puts his hands on Ronan’s shoulders. “Stop moving so much, I can’t think.”  
  
Ronan kicks at a chair. “I’m restless.”  
  
“You don’t say. What’s going _on_?”  
  
“Nothing.”  
  
“I have to finish this paper and you’re distracting me. Go do something. Take Chainsaw for a drive. Take Noah for a drive. Take _Adam_ for a drive.” Gansey pushes Ronan towards the door.  
  
“I can’t take Chainsaw for a drive. And Noah isn’t here.”  
  
“Well, I guess that only leaves you with one option.” Gansey says and closes the door in front of Ronan. “Come back when you’re normal.” He yells from behind it.  
  
Ronan kicks at the door and decides to take a drive. At first, he just drives around a little aimlessly but after about fifteen minutes he’s starting to head into a very specific direction. He turns on the radio, turns it off and then turns it back on again. There’s a soft country song playing and that strikes Ronan as a very, very sexy thing. The air smells like gasoline. He can’t stop thinking about Adam’s back, about his shoulder blades jutting out, the freckles just underneath his ear. Ronan speeds through a red light and then hits the breaks.  
  
“Come outside!” He yells out of the open window when he gets to the church. “Come the fuck outside!”  
  
A curtain opens and Adam appears. His hair is standing up like he was sleeping or almost sleeping. “Ronan.”  
  
“ _Adam_.” Ronan grins and he knows he looks dangerous. “Adam, come outside. I’m taking you for a drive.”  
  
It takes a few minutes for Adam to get ready but then he climbs inside the car. He is wearing a pair of sweatpants and an old shirt and he is looking _good_.  
  
“Adam.” Ronan says again and speeds away.  
  
They drive and drive. They drive out of Henrietta and into the mountains. The night is cold but Ronan keeps his window open. They don’t say very much. An old Ricky Nelson song starts playing and that too, strikes Ronan as a sexy song. He wonders if the universe is trying to tell him something.  
  
“You’re acting weird. You’ve been acting weird for days.” Adam says eventually. “You’re angry. But you’re not. You’re _different_.”  
  
“All of those things are true.”  
  
“Hmm.” Adam stares at the clock on the dashboard and then, in a small voice, “I’ve been flirting with you for _weeks_!”  
  
“What?” Ronan’s starting to feel kind of panic-y. “What?”  
  
“For weeks.” Adam’s voice still sounds very soft. “And you didn’t do anything.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“You think I ask every guy I meet to put sunscreen on my back?” Adam’s eyes are wide in the dark and Ronan feels like the ground is opening up beneath him. He grabs onto the steering wheel.  
  
“How the fuck would I know what you do or don’t do with other guys?”  
  
“I told you I don’t usually burn!” Adam’s starting to sound hysterical. “I told you it was nice!”  
  
“I thought you were being friendly!”  
  
“ _I asked you to dream me up nachos_.”  
  
“Yeah, okay.”  
  
Adam punches Ronan in the shoulder and sighs. “You’re such an idiot sometimes. And _blind_.”  
  
Ronan stops the car and grabs Adam’s hand. He feels like he was expecting this but also like he wasn’t. He closes the window.  
  
“I don’t want to push you into anything you don’t want to do.”  
  
“I didn’t think I would ever hear those words coming out of your mouth.” Adam’s trying to be funny but he’s staring at his hand like he can’t believe his life. _Ronan_ can’t believe his life.  
  
“I didn’t think I would ever say them.” Ronan leans into Adam but doesn’t do anything. He squeezes Adam’s hand.  
  
“Ronan.”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Ronan. If you don’t kiss me now, I’ll cry.”  
  
“Don’t.” He leans a little bit further into Adam. “So.”  
  
“So.”  
  
“So, I’m gonna kiss you now.”  
  
“Yeah, okay.”  
  
They kiss. It isn’t warm. They’re not in Adam’s room. But I’m On Fire is playing on the radio.  
 

**Author's Note:**

> does virginia have rivers? i hope virginia has rivers. title from red dragon tattoo by fountains of wayne. hope you enjoyed!


End file.
